'AITA for not letting my ex or his GF (former affair partner) see my baby?'

"AITA For Not Letting My Ex or His GF See My Baby?"

My ex and I haven’t gotten along since we divorced four years ago. He has created fake pages to stalk me, called CPS on me, attempted to get my now husband to leave me before we ever got married, and put our child at risk. The list goes on but I won’t name everything. His girlfriend has been around since before we got divorced and before anyone asks, yes they did have an affair.

Fast forward to now, our child is in second grade and spends time with their dad and his girlfriend during breaks. I recently got remarried and had a new baby. I don’t want my baby around my ex and his girlfriend or to even see them for obvious reasons.

My child has asked their dad if he wanted to see the baby and he said something along the lines of “I wouldn’t mind”. I said “No” and that their dad didn’t need to see the baby and left it at that.

Here’s where I might be the AH, my child video chats with their dad or his girlfriend sometimes. Recently I told them that if they’re holding the baby they need to turn the camera off because their dad and his girlfriend don’t need to see the baby. My child told the girlfriend this and the girlfriend said “Isn’t that rude?”

So am I the AH for not wanting them to see my baby at all? They have both attempted to make my life difficult on multiple occasions, and I don’t want them to have anything to do with my baby at all. I barely like them having anything to do with my oldest child due to several incidents but that’s their father.

EDIT TO ADD: There was an order granted to me in court for my protection with regard to this ex. So, I’m just trying to protect the baby and my older child as well.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

SQ_Madriel said:

I don't live like how you're putting your eldest child in the middle here. Your child seems excited to be an older sibling and excited to share that with their father.

I get not wanting your ex to be around or see your other child but I think you need to have that conversation with your ex, not your eldest. Don't make them feel weird about their little sibling and whatever their dad did to you, don't use this to drive a wedge with their father. The kid will ask questions, because children do, and you'll be the bad parent if your bad mouthing their dad.

So, if you talk to your ex and tell them you want them to turn down any offers to see the baby y n t a

OP responded:

This ex and I do not speak unless it’s about the eldest. That’s by order of a court due to ongoing issues. There was a judgement entered for my protection after a recent incident.

Edit to Add: I’ve never bad mouthed my eldest father to or around her. That is her father and she loves him. I would never try to turn her against him, no matter what he has done to me personally. I simply told her that he doesn’t need to see the baby.

Sweeper1985 said:

ESH. Find a way to deal with this that doesn't involve using children as pawns in your conflict. Go to Court if you must.

Moder_Svea said:

YTA for making your child responsible for the baby not being seen by your ex and his gf. That’ll get a whole lot of guilt, thoughts and questions going in her head. What if she forgets when FaceTiming? Will she feel at ease standing up against her father if he insists that it’s ok? But NTA for not letting your ex come and meet the baby.

OP responded:

I honestly hadn’t thought about that. Lately, my child has been wanting to spend time with the baby while on the phone or is in a different room with the baby while I’m doing something like cooking or cleaning.

PriceApprehensive388 said:

NTA. Based on the first two sentences alone... the father has a "right" (despite all the stuff you've stated that they have done to you) and therefore can see your shared child.

Your second child is in no way affiliated with them and if you do not want your baby around them then that is your prerogative. Whether that's facetime or in person... you don't have to share anything about your life with them that you do not want to.

awesomeisthename said:

ESH. You let your second grader watch your baby alone? Wtf

OP responded:

Obviously not, I’m either in the room or directly in the other room. They’re never alone, and I’m always peaking my head around the corner.

Youdontknowme1015 said:

I don’t know why people are attacking you. I don’t think you’re involving your eldest child by telling they can’t show them the baby to his dad or gf. It’s not their business and it’s okay to have boundaries with kids. Just as long as you aren’t bad mouthing the father to them

And OP responded:

They don’t seem bothered by the boundary either. And they’ve been raised to let us know when something bothers them. They seem to just think well that’s not the babies parent’s so they don’t need to see him unless mom and her husband want them too.

She then shared this edit in response to the comments:

I have never bad mouthed the oldest dad to them or around them. I simply said that they didn’t need to see the baby right now and did not elaborate further. The oldest does have an excellent relationship with the baby and helps out a lot. I’ve done my best to keep them out of the toxicity even when this ex has not.

My biggest concern is my baby being showed to by other people by ex via screenshot or somehow involved in anything unnecessary. Hubby feels the same way as he has been dragged into things by this ex before. The older child has also been told think by this ex that are completely inappropriate to be discussing with a child. I’m doing my best to protect both my children.

Also, the oldest loves my new hubby and they have an amazing relationship. Oldest has gone with hubby to do things alone. And oldest always hugs him and gets upset anytime he has to go anywhere, including to work.

I do agree that I should just remove the baby from the area during these calls. That’s on me for allowing my eldest to hold the baby or watch the baby during these calls and I can do better moving forward and just let me oldest know that I want them to focus on their conversation with their dad and I’ll keep the baby with me until their done talking.