'AITA for not wanting a relationship with MIL and FIL after they 'ruined' our wedding?'
"Am I overreacting for not wanting a relationship with my MIL and FIL after they ruined our wedding?"
My husband (23M) and I (21F) got married almost a month ago. I really thought the day was nearly perfect but my husband’s mom and dad left early and we both could tell they were upset.
They didn’t really communicate with us right after the wedding or during our honeymoon. I could tell this was very upsetting for my husband. He is an only child and feels at times he is the only “source of joy” for his father.
After the honeymoon my husband tried to call his dad a few times and was still somewhat talking to his mom. We called more of his family to make sure they had a good time and were doing well. Everyone said they had a great time and that it was a beautiful wedding. His aunt hinted that at the hotel after the wedding that FIL had a blow up.
Finally my husband talked to MIL. She said that I made no effort to see his family, that I spent the whole time with my family, I was “unwelcoming” to his aunt, etc. They also implied that I wear the pants and that my husband spent the night following me like a puppy. She did apologize when my husband expressed how their reactions impacted his enjoyment of the night and our honeymoon. But still nothing from FIL.
We spent most of the night after first dances cake cutting, and speeches out on the dance floor with the crowd. I didn’t only spend time with my family. I spent my time dancing with everyone who participated. MIL and FIL barely left their chairs. We sat down at a table with them for like a minute but I got up to go dance when a song I liked came on. I admit that was probably rude of me to do.
Anyway, I don’t know how to proceed with a relationship with MIL and FIL. To me, I feel that they are being incredibly selfish and making our day about them. They complain about the time we didn’t spend with them but they arrived to town the day before the wedding and left early in the AM the day after the wedding which gave us almost no opportunity to see them. I don’t know what they expected us to do.
I haven’t been to many weddings but I feel like the bride and groom are mostly participating in the party. My husband has not been able to talk to his Dad. He has had very dry conversations with MIL after the confrontation phone call.
She really isn’t the problem, it is mostly FIL. He is mentally ill and very emotionally unstable. In the past he has really struggled with big life events that involve my husband and I. There was another blowup when we bought our house.
My husband believes that he just can’t accept that he is a grown man and can live his own life 5hrs away from MIL and FIL. I believe that they will never really accept me and will blame me for him not moving back home. That no matter what I will always be the problem.
I feel like we should proceed with no contact until we receive sincere apologies. To me, his parents are turning our big day to be about them, they are being extremely selfish, and his father is being very childish. I believe that the day is about us and as long as we enjoyed the wedding that is most important and his parents should be happy.
My husband believes that FIL will never apologize as he will never think he did anything wrong. My husband is a great son and I know he can move on from this without ever getting an apology but I don’t think I can. I will never be able to act like this is fine to me but am I overreacting? Any advice on how to proceed is welcome. Thank you for reading my long post.
What do you think? Is she overreacting? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
ragdoll1022 said:
This is where gentle parenting shines. From hubby:
"Mom and Dad, I can tell you both have some big feelings around my wedding. OP and I enjoyed OUR WEDDING, we did not ignore you or treat you badly. I hate that you feel that ignoring us is appropriate. Until you are ready to apologize and move forward with a relationship I will not be reaching out. We will be happy to accept your apology and rebuild a relationship when you are ready. "
Then drop the rope. They are throwing a tanty and he's chasing them. That's absolute bullsh!t.
MNConcerto said:
Its time to pull away. Your FIL has issues that you cannot fix and it is not your job to fix. Your could do everything correctly and your FIL will still find something to be upset about because he wants the drama, that is all. Don't get pulled into the drama. NTA.
Mary-U said:
I would love for you and your husband to both understand something very important: You are not responsible for other people’s emotions. You are only responsible for your own actions and your own emotions. Your actions were fine.
If, for some reason, MIL or FIL got their feelings hurt, they can use their words like big girls and boys. Then you can assess your own action and make amends if necessary. FIL ruined your honeymoon and he wasn’t even there. Your husband needs to learn not to give in to emotional blackmail. He’s not responsible for his parents’ emotional well being.
mangopancakes99 said:
Kinda clear that FIL is having some mental health issues. All you can do is deal with it with compassion. No need to force yourself or blame yourself for anything. He probably needs to see doctor/therapist tbh.
My father is experiencing the same. We forced him to go doctors, he got some antidepressants and now he’s fine.
Tiger_Striped_Queen said:
You are both dealing with someone with a mental illness and their caretaker who seems to have given up trying to help them and has learned to ride out their breakdowns or actively participating in their issues. I am afraid there isn’t much either of you can do if your FIL isn’t receiving help from professionals.
All you can do is be there for your husband and support him while he rides the storm of his father’s mental decline. I wish you luck. And congratulations on your wedding!
OP responded:
Thank you! I think that MIL and husband are both so conditioned to these breakdowns that they would rather wait it out. I am trying to help my husband understand that it’s not okay! It is not worth the toll it takes on him constantly walking on thin ice.
Gjardeen said:
My parents were like this. Anything happy of mind that didn’t revolve on them made them feel like they were being left behind. I wish I could say there was a happy ending. I eventually had to distance myself from them.
I would just recommend giving your husband compassion, but recognizing that their behavior wasn’t OK and you’re allowed to have Feelings about that. When you’re around people who take up so much emotional oxygen, it’s hard to prioritize yourself, but you really need to.
unbelievablefidelity asked:
Did they contribute anything to the cost of the wedding?
OP responded:
They contributed $2,500. We both mentioned many times before the wedding how appreciative we were. I spent time with MIL while I was getting ready. I didn’t get to spend time with FIL before since I was staying away from my husband. He spent time with both of them before the wedding. Things were just very busy after the ceremony.
Personal-Yam-819 asked:
How does your husband want to handle this? It’s his family and he should take the lead, with you being supportive.
And OP responded:
So far he is acting like nothing happened. He hasn’t been in contact with FIL (because he doesn’t answer my husbands calls) but still regularly calls and texts MIL. They have dry conversations talking about work, the weather, etc. It feels forced to me.
I want to support him but I grew up with a Dad who no one ever confronted when he did something wrong. Nothing ever got better and he continued to hurt our family. I told myself that I was done putting up with toxic behaviors and hurting pretending it was fine. That is why I don’t think I can be in contact/ see MIL and FIL in person until something changes.