'AITA for refusing to let my future daughter-in-law to hug me because I'm not a hugger?'

"AITA for refusing to allow my future daughter-in-law to hug me?"

She recently became engaged to our son after a few years of dating. She's a nice girl and we're happy to have her as part of our family.

I guess my son never told her that I dislike being hugged or touched unless I give the okay (not going to go into the why here because it's a long story and suffices to say that it's because my family has never been huggers or touchy-feely), so after she made the announcement and hugged my wife she tried to hug me. I put out my arm and pushed her back and said "no thanks I'm not a hugger."

She obviously was embarrassed and remained quiet for the rest of the night. I didn't say anything to her because I assumed my son would explain things and smooth the situation over. He did but she was still embarrassed and hurt. She feels that I rejected her and like I don't like her. I think that's an incredible overreaction, and it's not true that I don't like her. I do but I don't make exceptions.

My son asked me to talk to her and apologize, and I told him I would be happy to talk to her but wouldn't apologize because I did nothing wrong. She was wrong to assume she could hug me, and that is no fault of mine.

He also asked me to "relax" and try to be more open to hugging for her sake because it's something that she and her family do which makes them feel connected, and I told him I would not. The rest of our family is welcome to do whatever they like to accommodate her, but that doesn't mean I am obligated to go along with it.

He wasn't happy with my answers and accused me of being unwelcoming. He also expressed his feelings to his mom, and she agreed with him and told me I was being ridiculous and acting like an a$$hole by refusing to budge on this.

She told me that if I don't make more of an effort with our future daughter in law then it's going to create a wedge and hurt our relationship not only with our son but also any future grandchildren, so I just need to get over it and open myself up to new dynamics in our family.

I feel like right now I am living in crazy town. My entire family acts like I've just come up with all of this now instead of this being how things have always been. I also don't understand why they think anyone is entitled to touch me, family or not. To me that should not be controversial. If someone doesn't like to hug, don't hug them. It's not rocket science. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

terpsichorebook said:

YTA for this: "She obviously was embarrassed and remained quiet for the rest of the night. I didn't say anything to her because I assumed my son would explain things and smooth the situation over."

Why should your son explain things for you? You saw that she was embarrassed the whole evening, and you couldn't be bothered to say a few words to make her feel better? Yeah, that's an asshole and unwelcoming move.

The point is not that you need to allow yourself to be hugged if you don't want to be hugged, but that, instead of communicating, like mature people would do, you are making a huge point out of something that's really not a big deal if you would only say a few nice words.

Final_Commission4160 said:

YTA for pushing her and you do owe her an apology. There were other ways to let her know you didn’t want a hug like having your hands and you sides and backing up.

I’m all for bodily autonomy but you don’t have to be rude about it.

ABW1985 said:

I’m torn here. You’re NTA for not wanting to be hugged. People don’t get to touch other people if they say no. My daughter is a young toddler and if she doesn’t want to hug someone, even if it’s family, we don’t make her. Body boundaries are important to respect.

But YTA for not easing her embarrassment. You could have told her it’s nothing personal with her and you didn’t intend to hurt her feelings.

judyclimbs said:

NTA You have the right to not be touched. The only way everyone could have handled this better was to let future DIL know ahead of time about your lifelong preference. Would have saved so much drama.

OP responded:

I thought my son would have told her.

allthewayup7 said:

YTA. Not for not liking hugs, but for refusing to apologise. You hurt her feelings and have offered her no direct explanation for your actions. Just pulling her aside and saying “hey, I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings, I just have a thing about hugs. It’s nothing personal and I hope we can put this behind us.” Is all it takes here.

And OP responded:

I have never made a habit out of apologizing to people unless it was clear to me I was wrong. I don't really believe in apologies solely related to someone getting upset regardless of fault.

He later shared this edit in response to comments, and it looks like this won't be a learning experience for OP.....

I will not take any of the advice given on this post. Most of you are insane people and your advice is hogwash. I also reject to judgment I was given since it is based on fallacies and other nonsense, and anyone who doesn't like that can kiss my ass.